Last weekend, a speaker at my home fellowship talked about the need of the Body to oppose gay marriage, the transgender movement, and other social ills.
I agree. But I think the only way to do this is to have a robust theology of singleness (stand FOR not against) and take action to encourage those whom the Father has called to live single, for whatever reason. Plain condemnation and finger-wagging won't get us anywhere.
So here are some things I wish more people knew about being single in a conservative evangelical place here in North America.
1. Singleness does not equal spiritual immaturity.
People often say, "Marriage is so sanctifying!" and I'm sure it is. But God doesn't let single people rot in sins either. To preserve relationships, I have to put off envy (when friend after friend gets married and has babies, which I'd love but isn't in God's plan for me right now) and put away selfishness to maintain relationships with old friends (which I cherish). It means that as I have less and less in common with those around me I need to learn to listen better and love more. This is sanctifying! Also, as I am single, I have uninterrupted devotional time, which allows me to get deeper into the Word. This sanctifies me too.
2. I know a lot about Christ's sufficiency.
If marriage demonstrates the love between Christ and the church, singleness demonstrates the sufficiency of Christ--in loneliness, in unmet expectations, in unfulfilled dreams, in grief. As I walk through these experiences as a single person, I can tell you a lot about Christ's sufficiency as I press into Him. Ask me about it; it's not something I often know how to bring up but it's something I know about as I live out the single life.
3. I often feel I don't fit anywhere.
Any time I show up to a gathering, I make the group odd (not an even number). In my late 20's suddenly I couldn't go to Sunday School with a lot of friends because they'd joined a "young marrieds" Sunday school class and/or small group. In my 30's I'm finding I sometimes don't fit with women's ministry because it can be all about motherhood and I'm not a mom. I find mixed gatherings hard because I have more in common with the guys who work outside the home than I do with the other girls who are all moms, but don't want to just hang with the guys. I feel a deep sense of appreciation though for those friends who lovingly seek to include me in their world in many ways, and feel really loved when people make a special effort to welcome me in. Another thing that really helps is when people ask me to sit with them in church, or at any other gathering. I go to a lot of stuff by myself, and any time I am invited to sit with someone it is a huge inner relief and blessing. Even more helpful are the people who save me a seat regularly and make me part of their group.
4. I am super tempted to put my identity in what I do.
I know that everyone struggles with this, but as a single person the pressure is enormous to sink myself into what I do rather than who I am. I seek to justify my existence through what I do. I can't often see when I'm doing it, and need my brothers and sisters to speak into my life and remind me who I am and that I am loved, not for what I do, but because of Whose I am.
5. I need extra encouragement in this world.
It's really shameful in the modern world to be celibate, which is a Biblical requirement for living single. Out in the world people assume there's something wrong with you. Inside the church people ask you why you're not married yet, also assuming there's something wrong with you. A word of encouragement about how you see Him in me really goes a long way, as does a word of blessing for following Him. The church here needs to be deliberate in its encouragement, because the battle is hard.
6. Don't assume that God's plan is for me to be married someday.
Maybe it's not! And if not, that's OK, because God's plans are best! Please don't offer to pray that God would bring me a husband. Please pray instead that I would experience Him more fully, because that alone will truly satisfy my heart.
7. I hope I push you towards Him.
In living out my life, I hope I push you towards Him, even through singleness. I hope you remember that the time is short, and we are living for more than the now. I hope you see His sufficiency in my life. I hope you see that we are waiting in expectation for that glorious Day when the Bridegroom appears!
I agree. But I think the only way to do this is to have a robust theology of singleness (stand FOR not against) and take action to encourage those whom the Father has called to live single, for whatever reason. Plain condemnation and finger-wagging won't get us anywhere.
So here are some things I wish more people knew about being single in a conservative evangelical place here in North America.
1. Singleness does not equal spiritual immaturity.
People often say, "Marriage is so sanctifying!" and I'm sure it is. But God doesn't let single people rot in sins either. To preserve relationships, I have to put off envy (when friend after friend gets married and has babies, which I'd love but isn't in God's plan for me right now) and put away selfishness to maintain relationships with old friends (which I cherish). It means that as I have less and less in common with those around me I need to learn to listen better and love more. This is sanctifying! Also, as I am single, I have uninterrupted devotional time, which allows me to get deeper into the Word. This sanctifies me too.
2. I know a lot about Christ's sufficiency.
If marriage demonstrates the love between Christ and the church, singleness demonstrates the sufficiency of Christ--in loneliness, in unmet expectations, in unfulfilled dreams, in grief. As I walk through these experiences as a single person, I can tell you a lot about Christ's sufficiency as I press into Him. Ask me about it; it's not something I often know how to bring up but it's something I know about as I live out the single life.
3. I often feel I don't fit anywhere.
Any time I show up to a gathering, I make the group odd (not an even number). In my late 20's suddenly I couldn't go to Sunday School with a lot of friends because they'd joined a "young marrieds" Sunday school class and/or small group. In my 30's I'm finding I sometimes don't fit with women's ministry because it can be all about motherhood and I'm not a mom. I find mixed gatherings hard because I have more in common with the guys who work outside the home than I do with the other girls who are all moms, but don't want to just hang with the guys. I feel a deep sense of appreciation though for those friends who lovingly seek to include me in their world in many ways, and feel really loved when people make a special effort to welcome me in. Another thing that really helps is when people ask me to sit with them in church, or at any other gathering. I go to a lot of stuff by myself, and any time I am invited to sit with someone it is a huge inner relief and blessing. Even more helpful are the people who save me a seat regularly and make me part of their group.
4. I am super tempted to put my identity in what I do.
I know that everyone struggles with this, but as a single person the pressure is enormous to sink myself into what I do rather than who I am. I seek to justify my existence through what I do. I can't often see when I'm doing it, and need my brothers and sisters to speak into my life and remind me who I am and that I am loved, not for what I do, but because of Whose I am.
5. I need extra encouragement in this world.
It's really shameful in the modern world to be celibate, which is a Biblical requirement for living single. Out in the world people assume there's something wrong with you. Inside the church people ask you why you're not married yet, also assuming there's something wrong with you. A word of encouragement about how you see Him in me really goes a long way, as does a word of blessing for following Him. The church here needs to be deliberate in its encouragement, because the battle is hard.
6. Don't assume that God's plan is for me to be married someday.
Maybe it's not! And if not, that's OK, because God's plans are best! Please don't offer to pray that God would bring me a husband. Please pray instead that I would experience Him more fully, because that alone will truly satisfy my heart.
7. I hope I push you towards Him.
In living out my life, I hope I push you towards Him, even through singleness. I hope you remember that the time is short, and we are living for more than the now. I hope you see His sufficiency in my life. I hope you see that we are waiting in expectation for that glorious Day when the Bridegroom appears!
