Again. I've been despairing of beating these sins. Again. The twin sins of bitterness and discontent, fortified by a strong dose of loneliness. I think I've beaten them, feel sure I've made progress, and then a shift comes and out they pop, choking me with their sulfuric dust.
I've identified some of the roots of these sins. Lack of gratitude is a big part of it. Comparing my life to the lives of my friends, and wishing I had aspects of their lives: a loving husband, a family, working overseas full-time, or making a lot of money. Pms-induced insomnia doesn't help either. When I try fixing these problems, I just snip the leaves off of the sin without extracting the root. Out they pop again and again, just when I think I've fixed them forever.
The central root of these issues is that deep down I forget to believe that God has the best plan for my life, and I am following that best plan. God's plan for me is not the same as his plan for others, but gives each of us the best. I don't rest in that, and have an unbelieving heart, which leads to all this heartache.
This morning as I read my Bible, I read the old story of Eve. I heard the whispers of sin in that story, which echo the ones I hear. "God's holding out on you, withholding the best from you." "Another way is the better way." Lies! But I listen to them and become subject to sin and death, just like Eve. As a result, we are all living in this cursed world, bearing the weight of sin.
Will I ever be free from these "besetting" sins of discontent and bitterness? I am reminded again that Jesus is the great Liberator from oppression, so in 2009 I am asking him to free me from these twin chains as well.
