Two years ago, I got a phone call from my best friend saying it was either an infection or cancer, we would know soon. Two years ago this week she was diagnosed with Stage 3 breast cancer, only a few months before her intended departure to work for Father in Central Asia. We were all devastated. I didn't know what to do with all the sorrow running through me for her and her family--I wanted to DO something to help!! But of course there was almost nothing I could do, besides be on my knees...and change my profile picture. Making my profile picture on Facebook about our friendship was something tangible and public yet unobtrusive I could do to show support.
So for the last two years solid, my profile picture has been some variation of a photo of Kandice and me. Old photos of our friendship from before she got sick, more recent photos of the good times we had together even when she was sick, but always a photo of us. There were other things I thought of to show support, and a whole network of people gradually formed around Kandice and were able to do various things to try to help as much as we could--anything from a personal shower to doing Race for the Cure together.
Then as most of you who read my blog know, she went to be with Him in July. Oh, how I miss her. Yet this journey of grief, of missing her, has looked so different than what I imagined and dreaded back in 2009 when she was first diagnosed. For those first few torturous days, back when we didn't know if it was cancer or not, I googled breast cancer, looked at the information and statistics, and just dreaded all of it. The worst happened, but because of His Life and Goodness the worst isn't the worst--she is healed! Rejoicing! And although I miss her, I can also rejoice and not grieve like those who have no hope. The worst is not terrible at all with the Living One on our side!! In fact, the ache in my heart that was always there the whole time she was sick is gone--because I know she is not in pain, she is healed!
Still, I couldn't bear to change my profile picture to anything other than a picture of our friendship, It seemed disloyal. Plus I miss her so much, think of her so often, ache to talk to her, and still find myself grieving her loss here on earth. I wanted people to see that, to see her face when they interact with me, to remember.
But I think the time has come to change that picture. I know Kandice would understand--in fact she probably would have wanted me to change it earlier! She was never as sentimental as I am. As Kandice herself taught me, change is good. This phase of my life, the one where most of what I did was about supporting Kandice, is at a close. Of course the friendship never dies. Of course my support and prayers for her family continue always. Of course I cherish everything I learned from her. Of course I miss her deeply. But in the interest of emotional health, in the interest of what new directions He's taking me (directions Kandice would have been so thrilled with!) I'm moving on. Growing. Changing. So when you see my new profile pictures, know that it doesn't mean I love or miss Kandice less. It means I'm fully embracing the change she taught me to love.
