Can I really bless God even when He takes away?
I'm in a "taking away" phase of life again.
Personally:
My two closest Indianapolis friends are headed for Central Asia soon (one back, the other for the first time, both for at least three years). Other friendships are more distant than they used to be. Other friends are moving on in life by having babies. I really feel like a baby is the end of the world: they just alter your life so much, and leave much less time for the kind of friendship I have known. My brother is gone to L.A. for good, and I miss not being able to drive to see him.
Professionally:
I've lost my job, twice over it feels like, because Heritage won't make a place for me next year to teach Spanish, and didn't hire me as a permanent substitute for English for the end of this year. Today as I was subbing for Spanish I found that the teachers aren't even really following the curriculum I so carefully thought out, set up, wrote down, slaved over and improved for five years. I also discovered today that I didn't get the job I wanted at University High School, which I felt would have been a great fit.
All this pain over all this loss reveals where I've been banking my security, and guess what, it's not been in the right bank. The losses aren't even that big compared to what others I know are going through, yet it still all combines to hurt so much.
Then there's the fear. What if I am wasting my life? Why on earth did I quit my job, only to run into a wall at the end of my year of travel? Can God really take care of my future?
Then there's the anger. Where's my moment? All the books and all the movies portray leaving your secure little life as the gateway to the best part of your life--everything from Maria Von Trapp in Sound of Music to Elizabeth Gilbert in Eat Pray Love to Donald Miller in Through Painted Deserts to Moses in Exodus say--just take the big risk, quit your stable life, move out and explore, and the life fireworks will start and never stop. But I'm not seeing fireworks right now, just a grey drizzle of rainy depression. No burning bush, no pillar of cloud or fire. No signs at all.
Which means I'm hunkering down to go back to life-as-usual=nine moths of teaching Spanish, a week in Nicaragua, a week of Indy summer, and a few weeks in Honduras. It's not a bad life, it's just not what I hoped a fantastic year of traveling the world would bring.
But again, maybe by hoping in travel to bring me a better life I've been banking with the wrong people. Maybe I need to put my hope in the life to come, not this one!! Put my hope in Jesus' return, not my own plane touchdown!
This year I've learned to live with fewer exterior options: only a small suitcase of clothes rather than a closet and dresser, three pairs of shoes rather than ten, withdrawing money from limited savings rather than a regular salary, food being what is available locally rather than a plethora of options. Now perhaps it's time to learn to live with fewer interior options: only putting my security and my hope in Christ alone. Living with fewer exterior options was great, and I know that only having my hope and security in ONE secure place will be better--the best! The ONLY possible good for me! Now if I could only get my heart to agree and rest there...
