Oswald Chambers said,
"Why shouldn't we go through heartbreaks? Through those doorways God is opening up up ways of fellowship with his Son. Most of us fall and collapse at the first grip of pain; we sit down at the threshold of God's purpose and die away out of self-pity, and all so-called Christian sympathy will aid us to our death bed. But God will not. He comes with the grip of the pierced hand of his Son and says--Enter into fellowship with Me; arise and shine. If through a broken heart God can bring his purpose to pass in the world, then thank Him for breaking your heart."
My heart has been broken in multiple ways over these past three weeks. My best friend's cancer getting worse--and her pain and my pain tearing at my heart. Another friend becoming a former friend. The darkness at school. The agony I see reflected in many of my students' eyes as they walk into my classroom. Sudden waves of unexpected loneliness. Feeling isolated in my job.
I hate walking around with a broken heart. Especially now as I am trying to make new friends. I hate that I'm such a basket case right now that I dread and avoid the casual "how are you doing?" because I cannot dump my heavy load on a casual friend, nor do I want to be needy. But none of my new friends are quite close enough yet to just call and dump pain on, spew brokenness all over them. Or is it that I just don't have the courage to do that?
I run from this pain because I am a coward. I run away from fights and conflicts, rather than running to them when I should. I have to pray for courage every morning to run toward the battle, because so often I am tempted to run away.
The tears finally came on Saturday after a week of walking around blinded by pain. And again on Monday as the wonderful girls in my study prayed for me and my friend. And again tonight as I watched the video about Mr. Stroup, the birthday letters, and remembered that there are others who are quietly faithfully serving Jesus out there. How I miss that kind of community. But how thankful I am for the new community God has placed next door--for the teacher next door who helped me today, for those girls who prayed for me, for new friends who care for me, and for all of you who read this, encourage me, and pray for me.
And as hard as it may be, I do thank God for breaking my heart. For giving me passion to pray for my kids, to pray for others who are hurting. I cling to the promise made in Psalm 126:5
Those who sow in tears will reap in joy.
