I didn't change the world today. Or yesterday. Or last week. Or so far this semester. At least not in the movie way I subconsciously expect.
I watched Take the Lead last week for some inspiration. In case you haven't seen it, it's a movie about a teacher (Antonio Banderas) changing the lives of inner city New York students through after school dance lessons. Excellent movie. There were some holes in it, watching it from this perspective (the teachers have time to sit in the lounge and talk together, I never saw any fights in the hallway portrayed in the movie, the same small group of kids in detention all year? And the kids in detention don't cuss out anyone in the whole movie? Or flip each other off? Really?) but some of it is dead-on. Especially one of the boys, who comes from a home with a father turned to alcohol, a brother recently killed, and on the verge of getting kicked out of school but trying to stay in. The actor did a great job of portraying this situation, and it's a situation I recognize because I look into eyes coming from those situations every day. I know those eyes, the agony of life brimming behind them, the glaze of trying to be cool, maintain your reputation coating them over, the silent plea coming out around the edges, dark glimmering pools of anguish that indicate the struggle behind the expressionless exterior.
But unlike Antonio's character, I cannot change the world overnight. Some of these situations are beyond me. My mere presence in the lives of these kids doesn't change their harsh realities, nor does it soften their hard hearts.
Today one of my most difficult students finally got pulled from my class. As in not in my class anymore, ever. She stopped by to tell me, just before class, and all I could say was OK. I've put so much time into her, conferences, calls home, referrals, prayer, asking other people to pray, talking, stressing, waking up early to pray...and all I could say when she dropped was "OK." I should be rejoicing (because I don't have to do anything else for her) or weeping (I see her destroying her own life at age 15 and made no apparent dent in her path to self-destruction, not for lack of trying) but I am just numb from exhaustion after all the work I have put in to get to this point.
I'm supposed to build relationships with my students, but with 200 students a day, that just becomes impossible. Even more impossible when one misstep on my part, one wrong word, one bad day, one discipline decision that was too heavy-handed or not heavy-handed enough, one thoughtless comment, is enough to destroy in ten seconds a relationship I have been trying to build for eleven weeks.
And the pitfalls to building those relationships are huge. Race is a big issue that we never escape. I got called racist twice last week. Once by a girl I didn't even know when during a fire evacuation, while we were "mobbin'", I asked a student if he had been involved in a particular situation. He protested innocence, and his friend standing nearby whom I don't even know asked me very angrily, "You just sayin' that because he's black???" I didn't even have a good response to this I was so stunned by the hatred in her voice and question. Later on that same student and others in my last period class as I was in the middle of a big discipline situation commented to me, "Is this going to make you hate black people?" That time I fell back on Dr. King and quickly responded, "I do not judge someone by the color of their skin but by the content of their character." They got quiet, and I hope they know I meant it. Socioeconomic level plays into it too. Today as I introduced "vosotros" to Spanish 1 and explained that it's only used in Spain but I teach it in case you ever go to Spain one of my kids goes "pshhht! who of US is ever going to go to Spain?" I responded that you just never know in this life, so I want you to be prepared. I explained that I never thought I'd go to Morocco, but went last year!!! So maybe I build another bit of that relationship. Let's hope I don't make a slightly wrong move tomorrow and blow it all to pieces as has happened before.
But in moments of discouragement a few things keep me going:
1. I don't need to change the world--Jesus already did. I hang onto this. Jesus really is in control, I just need to trust, obey, and be light and salt with the grace he gives me.
2. The prayers and encouragement of my friends--old and new--thank you to all of you who have encouraged me and prayed for me in these last three months. Keep it up.
3. The hope that one day what we are waiting for will come to pass--a new heavens and a new earth, with no crying, pain, death, tears, or dark eyes reflecting unspeakable agony, because it will be done away with totally.
